I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
