i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
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Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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