I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
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he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
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At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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