Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
