I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You are the jesus of drinking
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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