the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
