I want to have your abortion
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
