Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
