She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
There's always time for handjobs
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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