now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
