he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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