I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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