If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
