i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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