News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
