Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
