Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Someone shit on the floor
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
