I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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