I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
