I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
