I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I did not marry a roomba.
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