just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
