Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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