I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
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