Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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