so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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