so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
ttyl tear gas
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
