What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
