We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
