well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
