I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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