He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
