i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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