Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
how does that bad decision feel?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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