so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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