My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
