brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
