Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
