walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
