Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
