Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is it because I queefed?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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