my sisters under your porch take her home
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
