you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
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