I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
