Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
