Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
