Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
