I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
