My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
