i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
