It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
