I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
