Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
