If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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