I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize