I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
