So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
