I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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