Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
